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Monday, April 2, 2012

2 weeks and counting

Two weeks from today, I will be induced. I am excited and a little scared all at the same time!

At this point in each of my pregnancies, I have gotten a little "scared".

Scared of what my labor will be like.

Scared that I will not live up to what is expected of me.

Scared that I will mess up the job I have to do.

Scared that I will shrivel up with each contraction.

Scared that I will forget how to push.

Scared that my body will fight against me.

Scared that I just won't be able to do it.

I know that most of my worries are for no reason. I know that this delivery will most likely be no different than the other three, but I still worry. I don't want to make a mistake. A mistake in delivery or in raising my kids.

I feel an immense amount of pressure to live up to the expectations I have set for myself. I have no one but myself to blame for my feelings of insecurity. Oswald is my biggest supporter. He knows I can do the things that are expected of me, but until I get in that hospital bed I worry.

But at the exact same time, I am so darn excited to be having another baby! I am excited to bring this sweet bundle of joy into our home. I am excited to see my big kids love on her and meet her for the first time.

I am excited to see what she looks like. Will she have blonde hair like my Little Man? Will she have long skinny fingers like my Princess? Will she have eyes that are so dark there is no change from eye to pupil like my Buddy?

Will she have a mild temper like her brothers or will she be a little sassy like her sister? Will she snuggle me like my Little Man or will she like her own time like my Princess?

These are the things I think about late at night. The things I worry about as my stomach contracts. The things I worry about each doctor's appointment I'm told I am not dilating. The things I worry about.

The excitement far outweighs the scared...but I just have to put this stuff down and out of my mind. Now, maybe I'll be able to sleep.

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